Debacled

There is a sentence that echos to me through my past to which I give a lot of thought and loose a little sleep: "You should've been there."
I wasn't there when a good friend and father figure died many years ago. We knew he was dying and he and I had said our goodbyes. It was a painful but beautiful and healing thing and I felt he and I had an understanding. But, in the last few days the family tried to get ahold of me. I lived out of state and was young and dumb, all over the place, unreachable. I didn't know they were trying until it was too late. "You should've been there." Is what his son said to me when we spoke. And ever after I wondered if I had been selfish, if my friend had felt a need or a loose end because of my actions.
Today a friend of 17 years is getting married and I'm not there. We'll have many opportunities to be together over the coming years but this day can never be repeated so I give a lot of thought and loose a little sleep over whether or not I made the right decision. Will that sentence keep hanging in my head? The only thing I regret about this decision to move is the fact that I am absent from the celebrations that are important to my loved ones.

*I wrote this post awhile ago and then abandoned it. Lately some more serious things have been happening at home to make me feel this way and another post reminded me of this one. All I can do is send my love and support and remember that my friends appreciate it, no matter what form it comes in. Here's a quotation my aunt just emailed me which I enjoyed.

'May today there be peace within. May you trust
that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities
that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you'